Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
