I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
