my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
