He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
