dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
