Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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