First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
