my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We need to rekindle our bromance
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
