Where is the hickey?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
