life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
