I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
