So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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