I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
