Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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