Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my being single is dangerous.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
