If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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