Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
