i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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