Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
