I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
