somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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