i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
