Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
