I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
