Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
