I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
