PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
