dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
