i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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