I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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