Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
