I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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