i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
