Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
