yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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