You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
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Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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