my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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