umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
