My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
