More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
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my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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