I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
