My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
