its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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