they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
