Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Where is the hickey?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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