A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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