I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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