The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
