Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
