New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
