His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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