I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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