That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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