she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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