Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
