Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
